May 27 — Standing strong against manipulative personalities
Have difficulty with manipulative, deceitful people infringing on or wrecking your relationships? A book that gets my highest recommendation for help on this common issue is Dr. George Simon Jr.’s book, In Sheep’s Clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. It will illuminate the destructive behavior these people consistently inflict on others.
To that end, a letter from a woman in England asked what she’s supposed to do about the mother of her boyfriend’s children, who uses the children as property (leverage as she wrote), creating great tension in the relationship. The perpetrator (that’s what she is) also is pregnant by another man and asking the father of her children to help her financially.
The answer is tough love — disassociate yourself from these people if at all possible, except for emergencies. Minimize the exposure to the toxic interactions, refuse to allow one miserable person to break down the strength of your relationship. Band together, reject the garbage truck that the perpetrator is and in this case, just love the children, let the abuser have what she wants and hold on for the bumpy ride.
May 19 — Behavior, consistent behavior speaks louder than words
So wish I could explain how frequently I receive letters in which people, men and women both, are strongly attracted to someone, are believing (as they should) that a relationship is possible despite serious disinterested behavior patterns from the object of their affection.
The person that are attracted to gives them just enough attention, is just enough an exciting friend that the person believes they are loved romantically. Too often that’s just not the case. What happens is the person who is not calling or calling consistently, not seeing you often or consistently is quite happy with a casual, surface relationship of meeting periodically, and maybe sharing affection and sexual intimacy.
There is no way that person is going to suddenly go “wow, I can’t let this person away. What have I been thinking! I want, I need, I have to have a committed relationship with them.” The connection as it is serves their needs even if it doesn’t serve the other person’s. The reason these unions last is that the disinterested person won’t be entirely honest, usually because they don’t want to hurt the person who is having stronger romantic feelings.
So remember, pay attention, close attention to detail and what someone does, and does consistently. It matters more than words.
Bad Boyfriend
Christine writes and asks about her boyfriend’s children (ages 10 and 8) sleeping in his bed while she’s at the house. She’s understandably and maturely not comfortable with it but unsure about how to handle the situation. Showing a great deal of character she leaves the house at night rather than sleep over.
So what does she do, everyone?
Personally, this guy is either has no desire to share a bed with her, is a 100 percent pushover for his children, even if well intentioned, certainly a poor role model or clueless.
Here’s what I recommend for Christine:
Your approach to this situation is mature. Your boyfriend’s is not.
First of all, let’s talk about the children. It’s not in their best emotional-development interests to be sleeping with dad and his girlfriend. That’s the dominant issue here. It’s also poor role modeling.
Second, I’m guessing mom would be furious if she found out, making life hell on dad and hating you, which would result in severe actions on her behalf. Children talk off-the-cuff and this will get back to her. Even if she didn’t care, this behavior is not appropriate.
Third, your boyfriend’s approach is disrespectful to you, because you’ve expressed you’re not comfortable with it. Think about it like this Christine — if a man, any man, hears what’s important to you and disregards it, what kind of precedent is that setting for the rest of the relationship. Is he communicating “Your feelings might be kind of important but not of the highest regard?” That’s bad news for any couple.
While I don’t look at this as a case of who’s right and who’s wrong (because that leads to cancer in relationships) I do believe your viewpoints and approach are mature and the ones that should be followed. Your boyfriend obviously loves his children but he should not allow them in bed with him when he’s sleeping with his girlfriend. You going home is very impressive, sacrificing your desires to be with him.
If dad insists on them all being together whenever the kids want(a bad idea at their age) then he should sleep with them in their beds and worst case scenario, let you have his bed to yourself.
So two big issues — his questionable decision making as a parent and his disregard for your opinions, feelings and emotional health of the relationship.
Solution? Discuss with him how much you care for him and how you value what you have and then show him how this is hurtful to you, that you like his children, respect him being a loving single dad, but that as boyfriend and girlfriend you shouldn’t be sleeping with his children, that you wish to respect the kids and their mother in addition to yourself. Explain that you feel your feelings, your relationship feel disregarded and you don’t want to risk damage to it.
